Absurd Customer of the Week #2

I have TWO nominations and I really can't decide which to go with... so I won't. One story today and one tomorrow.

TABLE #1
Group of 6 people, Asian folks, about half of whom speak absolutely no English whatsoever. This table was really a test of patience, even at the start. Time for drink orders.

Don't have this.

ME: Can I get everyone started with something to drink? We have a full bar, beer on tap, specialty cocktails, wine... or maybe some ice tea or lemonade?
IDIOT #1: What do you have to drink?

ME: Um...alcohol-wise or non-alcoholic?
IDIOT #1: Non...
ME: Coke products (I list them off), raspberry lemonade, regular lemonade, ice tea, juice...
IDIOT #1: Do you have fruit punch?
ME: Ummm... No. Perhaps you'd like raspberry lemonade or cranberry, orange, or pineapple juice?
IDIOT #1: I'll have grape juice.
ME: Um.... NO. We only have... (and again I list the three juices we have).
IDIOT #1: Do you have coconut juice?

At this point I laugh openly at her. Seriously, we're an Italian restaurant. NO, we don't have any of that shit. I think she changed her order a few times before settling on a cranberry juice. They also tried to order their Dad a Bud Light in A CAN. No. We don't have Bud Light IN A CAN. We have it on draft AND by the bottle. Why would you want it in a can? They didn't seem to believe me when I told them no.

Don't have this either.

Even once everyone ordered, I still had more drinks written down than people, so it took me another 5 minutes to figure out what they actually wanted. Two hot teas (surprise!), a cranberry juice, a diet coke, a raspberry lemonade, and one Moretti (I don't know why they started with that. His second beer was Bud Light in a bottle, the seemingly obvious choice).

Then there was the issue of the vegetarian mother. They wanted to do Family Style, but Mom was veggie. I gave numerous suggestions about items they could choose, or the option that Mom could NOT to participate in FS and order a la carte. They ended up picking numerous vegetarian items, but still ordered one pasta a la carte for Mom.

When I brought out the first course, I told the host that if Mom wanted to eat some of this food, but didn't eat much of it, I could charge her for a children's FS at half price. Host insisted that Mom couldn't eat ANY of this food. However, as Mom started serving herself salad, the host told me to bring her mom a plate and charge her half price. Fine.

 Why the fuck would we have this?

Just before the second course was about to come out, host asked if I could "undo" the order for the vegetarian pasta. I told her I would check, did, and the food was all prepared and 5 seconds away from coming to the table. I reported back that, sorry, but the pasta was already made. FINE.

When the pasta was out there were many stupid questions about what was IN the food they ordered. Items I had already described when they made their selections. Questions like, "is there blue cheese in this dish?" in a dish that clearly would have no blue cheese. That's a VERY distinct flavor. I don't think you know what blue cheese tastes like.

To end on a perfect note. They left me $20 on a bill that was $243. *sigh* And by the way, I did them a FAVOR by charging their mom half price. She ate LOTS of that shit.

Seriously?

Thanks.


[EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't have a problem with people who have sub-par English skills. They can just take A LOT more time and are consequently more difficult to deal with as a server. Unless they're the point and smile kind. I like those people. They don't ask for anything.]